by Editor Man
Hello, confused reader! You might be wondering what you’re looking at. Who is this four-eyed buffoon? I’m Editor Man, an average Joe with the power to edit space and time. That power comes in handy quite frequently as I tend to do clumsy things like hit people with my car and break my furniture and ruin relationships and kill Santa Claus. All of this can be cured with a swipe of the hand and a tinker with my magical editing abilities. How did I get this ability, you ask? Even if you didn’t ask, here’s a little origin story:
There I was, leaving the theater with my lovely wife. Suddenly a disgruntled, armed man approached us from behind and demanded our wallets. What did I do? I screamed like a little boy. This frightened the gun-toting individual, who fired the pistol at my spouse of two years. At her funeral, I began drinking copious amounts of sparkling wine, contemplating how similar our plight was to Batman’s origin story. That night, I was determined to electrocute myself by dropping my laptop into the bathtub. With video editing software opened on my computer, wearing my favorite underwear, I plopped the computer into the water. Instead of a merciful death, something fantastical happened. A confluence of synapses and unknown fringe science led to the editing system fusing into my body. I attained the ability to edit my own life.
A year later, widowed and working a desk-job at a gag gift company, I stumble through life trying as best I can not to end the world. I don’t know why I was bestowed this power; it seems I can’t edit events before my electrocution, but one day I hope to somehow rescue my callously slain wife (and bring to justice her killer, who surely must be a super-villain). For now, I’m out of sparkling wine and must run to the store. Poke around the site and enjoy the chronicles of my misfortune.